Your Child’s Primary Teacher

Your child's primary teacher is YOU.

‘primary’: adj: first in sequence; most important; basic; original

It often surprises me that many parents spend vast amounts of money on their children’s education but have failed to grasp that real influence on learning begins at home.

A child who comes to school with his/her character well formed is almost guaranteed to succeed, and we parents have 5 short years to teach them.

I thought I would write a list of the essential skills and values for a child starting school, but in the end there were really only three: language skills, responsibility and good work habits.

Language
Words are the building blocks of learning and the magic glue of our relationships . With words a child learns to communicate ideas, opinions, feelings, instructions, requests and, to receive them.

Language involves both speaking and listening and a wise parent models both. When we talk to our children, or read to them, we extend their vocabulary, knowledge and understanding. When we listen to them, we model attentiveness. To pay attention to someone is to pay them respect, and a child must be made to practice this often to prepare for school.
A child with good language skills is ready for school on day one.

Responsibility:
The 2 branches of responsibility are, ’It’s my job’ and ’It’s my fault’. These have been gradually eroded away in this age of entitlement to be replaced by, ’It’s someone else’s job’ and 'it’s not my fault’.

Responsibility has some admirable cousins called courage, honesty, fortitude and perseverance, traits that both boys and girls need in bucket loads to succeed in life. However, at the risk of being called sexist, I would say that boys need it most. There is something very right and very attractive about a man who steps up and says “I’ll take care of that”, whether it be a sinkful of dirty dishes, a disrespectful child or an outside threat to the family. Similarly, there is something very wrong and very sad about a young man who feels he is entitled to being looked after, provided for and protected by parents or government long after he should have been standing on his own 2 feet.

The value of responsibility is caught more than taught, and it’s learnt very early, in the home. A boy who constantly hears Dad saying “I’ll take care of that” will fare well at school, be a delight to his teachers and most likely never become a bully or the victim of one.

Work habits
The old saying “a job worth doing is worth doing well” still holds true for those who wish to succeed. Thoroughness, excellence and creation of beauty are habits that we can help a child develop in even the smallest of jobs: setting the table, making a bed, cleaning a bedroom, sweeping paths. We are made in the image of an excellent creator and it follows that we should find pleasure and pride in doing our work well. I have had everything from great to average intelligences pass through my classroom but the constant ingredient for success has been good work habits, not brains.

The future of our society will be in the hands of our children. They need excellent primary teachers.

So Much for Sexism

There has always been something that has vaguely bothered me about the accusation of sexism. The word has been around for some time now, and trotted out whenever there is perceived (or actual) gender injustice or inequality.  Our PM’s recent speech put the topic front and centre, attracting support from women all over Aus who cheered and thanked her, or not.

The thing that bothers me about women making accusations of sexism is that it can sound so pathetic, so victim’y, as in “Don’t pick on me, I’m a woman!”

I’m not denying for one minute that men can be rude, arrogant and dismissive. Women can be too. We are human. We err!!

So is there a better way to deal with sexism than playing the ‘victim’ card.

 There are two ways we can look at sexist remarks:

1. The insult

Ignore it. This sounds trite, but I find it quite powerful. Think about it. Have you ever been rude yourself and had the person ignore you and walk away? You are left standing there wondering what on earth they are thinking, knowing full well you behaved badly. It is humiliating, and enlightening. (Address it in private if problem persists).

2. The criticism

If my work is criticized I can either consider it as well deserved or unfair. If my work is substandard I would do well to get advice from a trusted colleague and try to improve. If it is unfair, I should still think about it and raise the issue with the offender at some later time, in private. Public battles of unfairness are not pretty. 

I suppose if we women are honest we have all had our Miss Piggy rant at some time or other, most likely getting us nowhere except flustered.

How much better to just get on with the job, whatever we have been called to do, and silence all critics by being really good at it. Whether we be in politics, business, education, medical work or raising a family, there are any number of heroines out there to act as inspirational role models. And I’ll bet none of them are crying ‘victim’.

'Reflect More'

One of the studies I have often quoted over the years was of 80 year olds who, when asked, wished they had “risked more, reflected more, and left a legacy.”

In my 40’s, it was the ‘risked more’ that interested me the most, as I have always thought that life was an adventure to be savoured for every last moment.

But now at 62, with more time to think, it is ‘reflect more’ that I am enjoying. At last there is time to try and make some sense of the world, or at least my world.

At 62, there is a temptation to look back at the 40 year olds with a little jealousy, as the world is now theirs, or at the 20 year olds with their perfect bodies and freedom and irresponsibility. Life was so simple then.

So this is what I think.

We ALL have our allotted time on Earth, not counting fatal sickness, accident or war, about 70-80 years.

We all have 20 odd years to be young, beautiful and carefree, to be self-centred and self-assured.
We all have 40 odd years to make our contribution in making the world a better place and raising the next generation.
We all have 10-20 years to enjoy the fruit of our labour in retirement, to travel, volunteer and pursue hobbies.
And we will all have our winter years in which to look forward to eternity, if we believe.

At 62, I look back at my allotted years, mostly in the last half of the 20^th Century, and feel deep gratitude and contentment for my era. My youth was spent in a time of great peace and prosperity, paid for by my parent’s and grandparents in the two world wars: paid at enormous price.  It was also a time of great safety and freedom. We were fundamentally a Christian nation back then and I and my brothers were able to roam freely in the entire valley of my hometown, blissfully unaware and unafraid of possible attack or danger.

I don’t envy the 20 year olds with their perfection and freedom, or the 40 year olds changing the world. This is their time and I hope they enjoy it as much as I enjoyed mine.

I still have time to keep working at ‘leaving a legacy’, accomplished in every treasured moment spent with children and grandchildren, in unhurried conversations and shared memories, in faithful fervent prayer.

I’m 62…. and I’m grateful.

The Enemy of Marriage

If there is one cause for most of the world’s ills it would be self-centredness. This is roughly what I read in our church newsletter recently, a quote from Selwyn Hughes.

Now I am in the middle of reading Tim Keller’s book ”The Meaning of Marriage” and he says
“Self-centredness is a havoc wreaking problem in many marriages and it is the ever present enemy in every marriage”.
It’s what we mere mortals have to deal with every day, within ourselves. Male and female, young and old, rich and poor, every culture and every era.

How do we keep it in check and save our marriages?
The Bible gives the perfect antidote for self-centredness in Ephesians 4:21

“Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ”.

‘Submission’ has fallen on hard times of late so let me just say what submission is NOT:
It is not obedience or grovelling or giving in or “whatever!!”
A poor understanding (as above) of submission and its direct targeting towards women has led to a widespread suspicion of this powerful teaching.

Many women I know have either rejected it outright as unfair and outdated, adopted it resentfully and begrudgingly, or spent their life so dying to their ideas, thoughts, dreams and desires that are just that…dead, no visible sign of ‘life’. How tragic!

So what IS submission:
Submission is best described by the old Sunday School acronym J O Y …
Jesus first
Others second
Yourself last

And it overcomes the tendency in us all to want MY way, or
Me first
You last.

The role model for submission is Jesus himself, who so loved us He gave his life for us. He didn’t do it with resentment and begrudgingly; He didn’t wait till we were nice and loving; He didn’t lose Himself and he didn’t do it so just women would know how it’s done. He set the example for the whole human race to follow. It makes us nicer people, our marriages richer, our families gentler, our communities kinder.

When I am submissive to my husband, I want to be his best friend, help him become the best man he can be, support him in achieving his highest dreams and be his greatest fan.
And he does that for me.

When we disagree, (often) we learn to listen and compromise
When we behave badly, (a fair bit in my case) we give and receive forgiveness
When we fail and are less than perfect (most of the time), we offer grace.

At least, that’s our goal, to put each other first, and as we get closer to it, so we find JOY.

STAY MARRIED

Did you see the recent article in the Herald Sun which said:

….. “children appear most apt to succeed well as adults when they spend their entire childhood with their married mother and father, and especially when the parents remain married to the present day,”  a quote from a study in the Weekly Times.

This is not news to most of us. It has been oft said, as well as hotly debated these days.

You may have also read many reports that discuss the disadvantages for children growing up in single parent families. Bill Muehlenberg summarizes these problems for children where Dad is missing, or even where parents co-habit rather than marry: a greater probability of

• Poverty
• Drug involvement
• Criminal involvement
• Academic problems
• Mental health/stress/depression
• Problems with sexuality and out-of-wedlock pregnancy
• Suicide

Whatever side of the debate you fall on, any School Chaplain will tell you these studies are true

Rather a depressing situation for many of today’s children and a disaster for the future of our society.

So what do we do with this sort of bad news, especially as Christians? Surely there must be more we can do beside some occasional handwringing and eye-rolling.

If I as an individual truly believe that the health of today’s children and tomorrow’s world is dependent on strong, healthy, two parent families (and I do), then I have a mission in life….

To do everything I can

• to stay married by keeping my persistent selfishness in check
• to pass on my faith to my children and grand children
• to take every opportunity to help other couples stay married
• to pray for Aussie men to be the brave and noble protectors of their families, asking God for help and
• to pray for the women of Aus to use their ‘gentle power’ to  make their homes safe havens for all

The most powerful people today are not in politics, the media, the mining or the entertainment industries. The real people of influence are the faithful mums and dads raising secure daughters and confident sons to be the leaders of tomorrow.

Have a read of Glenn T. Stanton's book, "Secure Daughters, Confident Sons"

A Life of Faith Starts at Home

I read an interesting quote recently that has really set me thinking:

“... the next generation is abandoning Christianity at an alarming rate despite some of the best teaching, worship, student ministries and coffee shops in church history. Churches have never worked harder; yet generational transfer is in decline. Something doesn’t add up”

This was from “It Starts at Home” by Kurt Bruner and Steve Stroope.

I grew up in the era that preceded all the excitement of modern electronic music, professional student ministries and coffee shops. Our youth leaders were somebody’s parents or big brother and any food consumed was at the home we invaded that night.

The funny thing is, our youth group, and most of the others in our area were well attended and very healthy. So were the Sunday Schools.

Something doesn’t add up.  What’s changed in the last 50 years.

Bruner and Stroope make the point that a child’s spiritual training ‘starts at home’. "Satan does not fear a religion that merely stencils words on a stone wall or even preaches them in a sermon. What he dreads is when the Word becomes flesh and blood in the tangible context of a God-honoring marriage and family.”

Or

“If you want to make the Devil cringe, celebrate 50 years of marriage or enjoy laughter with your children around the dinner table”.

Do we expect the church to take care of our children’s spiritual training?

Have we bought the devil’s lie that our children will get bored with Christ’s teaching if we don’t jazz it up a bit with bright lights, deafening music and constantly changing images?

Did we get too busy to just have dinner together around the table every night, and talk?

Sobering figures: The likelihood of someone becoming a believer is 32% before the age of 13,  4% as a teenager and 6% during the remainder of life.

Don’t leave your children’s spiritual training to the church, youth group or Christian school. Don’t wait until their tender hearts have become set like concrete. And don’t let the Devil fool you into thinking that ‘being SO busy” is some kind of brilliant achievement or noble virtue.

Psalm 78: 5-7…”He commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them( His statutes), and they in turn would tell their children, so they would put their trust in God…and keep His commands.”

Check out the above book for some really great ideas on raising children of faith. Also, www.drivefaithhome.com

What Makes a Good School

Choosing a school for your children has become one of parents’ most important decisions, whether for preppies or high schoolers. Factors high on the list usually include curriculum, values, discipline and VCE results.

If  I had a preppie ready for school, this is what I would be looking for and asking about:

• A literacy program that teaches the names and sounds of the alphabet (phonics) and how they fit together to make words. (VERY important)
• Classrooms that are bright, stimulating, quiet and orderly
• Children’s work all over the noticeboards (as opposed to instructional posters that no-one reads)
• A visionary principal who is proud of his/her school and his staff
• User-friendly, plain English reporting

If I had a child entering high school, this would be my priority list:

·         Strong Discipline, including high standard of uniform

·         Good VCE results

·         Strong focus on academic subjects (English, Maths, Science, History, Geog, LOTE)

·         Good Arts programs (music, creative arts)

·         Good PE and sporting program

·         An emphasis on spiritual development (devotions/chapel) and a chaplain  on staff.

The rise and rise of private school enrolments of late has had a lot to do with parents moving their children to schools where they will be safe from bullies. Discipline is often the first priority of parents, with a caring environment a close second.

Here is a simple test to gauge the level of discipline in a school:

            Sit outside the school gate at 3:30 and watch the children leaving school. Are they wearing their full uniform, properly. Are the girls modest (thighs covered) and well-groomed, the boys clean cut?

Why is uniform so important?

It is a clear indication of who is in charge. If teachers believe in and enforce good dress standards, the result is uniformity, with no child standing out as different or special. If students decide the dress standards, they can be exceedingly cruel in the way they enforce their codes, giving bullies a free hit with any child who doesn’t fit in.

If you ask for a school tour by the principal, note carefully the features of the school of which he/she is most proud. What has the school spent a lot of money on, and why? These clues speak of its values and priorities.

Good schools prepare young people for future study or employment by focusing on learning and eliminating distractions. Parents who decide to invest in private education get the best value for money when they give the school their total support and make the journey a team effort. It can even make the journey very enjoyable for the child.

Kids and Sex: The Good News

For most parents, the idea of talking to their kids about sex is about as much fun as dentistry . (paying for it!!). It’s one of those things you put off as long as possible, then opt out by saying “they probably already know more about it than I do.”

Unfortunately, this could be true if you look at the statistics :

Children Internet Pornography Statistics
Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography	11 years old
15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures	80%
8-16 year olds having viewed porn online	90% (most while doing homework

Children are accessing pornography at horrific levels, gaining much of their ‘sex education’ from the internet, dvds and other unhealthy sources. Peer pressure to be involved in ‘sexting’ drives teens to early sexual discussion and activity, often unwanted, but ‘necessary’ for acceptance into the cool crowd. Ultimately, 46% of all high school students have engaged in sex, 75% of by end of year 12.

I have just finished an excellent book  called
“HOOKED: new science on how casual sex is affecting our children” by McIhaney and McKissic.

In it, the authors make the case that, for too long we have only looked at the two physical dangers of casual sex: sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.
But there is a third risk, one that affects the hearts and minds of young people. They say that:

“Both boys and girls who have had sex are 3 times more likely to be depressed than their virgin friends. Girls are 3 times more likely to suicide and boys seven times more likely.”

They prove, using recent scientific research, that early sexual activity and multiple hook-ups and break-ups actually lead to “emotional and psychological problems, including damaged ability to develop healthy connectedness with others, including future spouses”. More sex; less love and intimacy. Or in other words, our kids are breaking their hearts. 

So what’s the good news?

The good news, according to the experts (whether it be the above book or the Woman’s Weekly (Mar 2012) is that your kids want to hear from you. Not just  ‘the talk’ but ongoing talks about values, choices and consequences, about waiting for the right ‘one’, about falling in love and soul mates and lifelong happiness. 

“Teens who are strong enough to avoid sexual involvement have 3 primary things in common:

• High levels of parent-family connectedness
• Parental disapproval of the teen becoming sexually active, and
• Parental disapproval of the teen using contraception".              (“Hooked”)

We so often underestimate the importance teens place on their parental relationship. They can be so prickly and distant at times that we mistakenly pull away, thinking that they don’t want us around. THEY DO.

Don’t give up, mums and dads, and don’t back down on what you know is important, vitally important.

Mean Mothers and Nice Mothers

It has come to my attention recently that there are ‘mean mothers’ out there. I have actually met some of them myself. Ignoring all the ‘expert’ advice so readily available to be ‘nice’, mean mothers continue terrorising their children and depriving them of all the fun and excitement that would make their lives happy.

Let me list some of their dreadful deeds:

• ‘Mean mothers’ refuse to let their children have their own tv, computer OR mobile phone, turning deaf ears to the cry of social isolation that will, without doubt, follow. (They do allow their children to use the family equipment in the public areas and have as many books in their room as desired, but where’s the fun in that?!)

         'Nice mothers’ provide all of these so that their children won’t have to miss favourite programs, get behind in the latest game or miss important gossip on Facebook.    

• Mean mothers’ put healthy food in lunch boxes, like salad sandwiches, fruit, vege sticks and water. They obviously either don’t understand or don’t care that sugary, cellophane wrapped snacks are currency in the school yard, good for trading for all sorts of foods, favours and friendships.

‘Nice mothers’ let their children pack their own lunches from a selection of boxes, knowing that any food is better than none at all, and it’s against the school rules to swap food anyway…..isn’t it?!!

• ‘Mean mothers’ don’t believe everything their children say and have a nasty habit of checking doubtful information eg. “I don’t have any homework”;  “he started it”; “ I didn’t do anything to deserve this detention... the teacher hates me”; “we’re allowed to wear this to school”; and the old chestnut, “every other kid is allowed to have this/go there/ do this/ wear that…..”. (‘Mean mothers’ have annoying little sayings like “If every other kid jumped off a cliff, ………?”)

‘Nice mothers’ trust their children, always. Isn’t that what love is? 

• ‘Mean mothers’ don’t ask their small children what they would like to wear or eat, or if they would like to go here or there. They tell them, and don’t even bother to thank them when they cooperate. They believe choices come with emerging responsibility and maturity.

‘Nice mothers’ believe even little children have opinions and the right of veto. 

• ‘Mean mothers’ force their children to speak respectfully, all the time, no exceptions. Rudeness, name calling and back chatting bring swift, unpleasant consequences.

‘Nice mothers’ believe children have the right of self-expression and a little sassiness shows spirit and can be quite funny or cute, sometimes. 

To all the ‘mean mothers’ out there, setting clear boundaries and valiantly holding the line against all popular opinion and childish pressure, YOU’RE MY HERO. Don’t give in. Your children may not be perpetually ‘happy’ and entertained, but they will be strong, healthy, likable and most probably, successful. 

And to all the ‘nice mothers’ who secretly think the ‘mean mothers’ just might have it right, have a read of “Parenting Isn’t For Cowards” by James Dobson. It’s good old fashioned common sense advice.

Reading Stories -Teaching Values

There is something about a good story that appeals to all of us. We remember a clever plot or interesting characters years after the book has been returned to the shelf or passed on to a fellow reader.

When it comes to teaching children values and virtues, we need to find a means to embed those truths deeply into their hearts so they will ultimately live by them. As every parent and teacher knows, sermons and lectures bear very little fruit, but when we encase the lessons in good stories, we increase the absorption and the likelihood of action. (Now who was it that came up with that idea?)

As a parent and a teacher, I would choose my read-aloud books very carefully, depending on the values I wanted to discuss and encourage. For example:

Courage and kindness in adversity: ‘The Little Princess’

Bravery/ Redemption:                     ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’

The folly of pride:                           ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’, (the word ‘naked’ is so deliciously naughty and the emperor’s shame so 'felt' that they will want to  hear this one over and over!!!)

Kindness to animals:                      ‘Black Beauty’ and ‘White Fang’

Survival and self-sufficiency:        ‘The Hatchet’

The power of love:                         ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’

How to live simply/contentedly:    ‘Little House on the Prairie’

Compassion:                                   ‘Goodnight Mr. Tom’

I think sometimes we underestimate a child’s ability to grasp meaning and enjoyment from these classic stories. I would often be surprised by the thoughts expressed after the day’s chapter, or by the way a boy would stand taller or dream more nobly after a heroic tale.

So ease up on the sermons. How much more fun is it to tell a boastful child, “Be careful you don’t get caught wearing the Emperor’s Clothes!!”

Reading to Children: 10 Good Reasons Why

 Many people look at you in horror when you suggest turning off the tv. For mums especially, tv is often a synonym for ‘sanity saver’.  When you can’t stand the noise another minute, put the tv on and you have instant peace!!! What mum doesn’t get that? And who would give that up?

However, as I’ve already said, the less the tv , the better the student. 

So, what to do if you take the plunge and employ the ‘off’ button?

First and foremost, read to your kids.

I would like to suggest ten good reasons why reading to kids is so wonderful.

1.  Reading aloud to children lengthens their attention span

2. It teaches them to listen carefully and focus on the speaker.
3. It improves vocabulary and understanding of language structure (grammar)
4. It ignites the imagination (as all the pictures are in their own head)
5. Modeling great expression and ‘fun voices’ teaches children how to read aloud well too
6. Reading well chosen books gives them an appetite to be independent readers
7. Reading to children before bed slows down their bodies, drains off the adrenalin and prepares them for sleep, often taking happy dreams with them.
8. Reading good books aloud can lead to good discussions afterwards (about plot, themes, values,  meaning of events and characters portrayed.)
9. It is just plain good fun watching children go wide-eyed with excitement when you read adventure, burst into giggles when they ‘catch’ clever humour or go all misty when the hero is hurt.
10. Well chosen stories are a very effective means of teaching values.

I could go on and on about no.10, but will save it for the next blog.

But for now, turn off the tv, get a library card, have a look at www.kidsread.com/lists  for lists of age-appropriate children’s classics, and get ready for making memories AND top students.

Do something for your child’s education…turn off the tv.

As I look back over my teaching life, I can see a common element in many of my best students: they had very limited access to television. Some had none at all, others only weekend access.

What did I see in these students that set them apart?

·         Their concentration was better and their attention span was longer.

·         They enjoyed being read to and were quicker to understand humour, meaning and mystery.

·         Their work habits were superior… attention to detail in written and artistic work was a delight to see.

·         They were self-motivated… I never heard them complain of boredom.

·         They were able to converse with adults more easily

                                                                                                                                                

·         They were more settled and content in themselves and were rarely disruptive in class

Now perhaps it could be said that other factors were at play in these children, so let me pass on a story I heard form a child psychologist some years ago:

          A worried father had come to her with  a son who had become totally uncontrollable. He was aggressive, disrespectful, disobedient and uncooperative. The father was suspecting some disorder to explain his child’s behavior and hoping for medical or therapeutic support to help with his control. Instead, the psychologist suggested a one month trial of total withdrawal from all television and computer use.

Reluctantly, the father took her advice and, even though the first week was nightmarish, he persisted. By the end of the month the boy was a different child. The aggression had gone, he was speaking respectfully to his parents and was calm, contented and cooperative.

The psychologist added “Unfortunately the father decided to reward his son at the end of the month by restoring all tv and computer privileges.. ….. and the aggressive child returned!!!”)

Do something for your child’s education…turn off the tv.