The Enemy of Marriage

If there is one cause for most of the world’s ills it would be self-centredness. This is roughly what I read in our church newsletter recently, a quote from Selwyn Hughes.

Now I am in the middle of reading Tim Keller’s book ”The Meaning of Marriage” and he says
“Self-centredness is a havoc wreaking problem in many marriages and it is the ever present enemy in every marriage”.
It’s what we mere mortals have to deal with every day, within ourselves. Male and female, young and old, rich and poor, every culture and every era.

How do we keep it in check and save our marriages?
The Bible gives the perfect antidote for self-centredness in Ephesians 4:21

“Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ”.

‘Submission’ has fallen on hard times of late so let me just say what submission is NOT:
It is not obedience or grovelling or giving in or “whatever!!”
A poor understanding (as above) of submission and its direct targeting towards women has led to a widespread suspicion of this powerful teaching.

Many women I know have either rejected it outright as unfair and outdated, adopted it resentfully and begrudgingly, or spent their life so dying to their ideas, thoughts, dreams and desires that are just that…dead, no visible sign of ‘life’. How tragic!

So what IS submission:
Submission is best described by the old Sunday School acronym J O Y …
Jesus first
Others second
Yourself last

And it overcomes the tendency in us all to want MY way, or
Me first
You last.

The role model for submission is Jesus himself, who so loved us He gave his life for us. He didn’t do it with resentment and begrudgingly; He didn’t wait till we were nice and loving; He didn’t lose Himself and he didn’t do it so just women would know how it’s done. He set the example for the whole human race to follow. It makes us nicer people, our marriages richer, our families gentler, our communities kinder.

When I am submissive to my husband, I want to be his best friend, help him become the best man he can be, support him in achieving his highest dreams and be his greatest fan.
And he does that for me.

When we disagree, (often) we learn to listen and compromise
When we behave badly, (a fair bit in my case) we give and receive forgiveness
When we fail and are less than perfect (most of the time), we offer grace.

At least, that’s our goal, to put each other first, and as we get closer to it, so we find JOY.